One Day at a Time, part 3

Joel didn't come home - again.  On Monday, his 21st birthday, the doctors voiced their concern over two low-grade fever and an elevated white blood cell count and ordered two tests, one for an intestinal tract infection and a swallow study.  Since the swallow study was delayed until Tuesday afternoon, his discharge didn't happen.  The first test was negative - good news! - but the only good news about the swallow study was that it wasn't in vain.  It involves swallowing barium, which Joel regurgitates every time.  We were all sure that it would show nothing, but unfortunately, it did show some kind of connection between the esophagus and this abscess area.  That began a flurry of activity, leading to a CT-scan-guided mini-operation to place a drain tube through Joel's neck into the abscess, in the hope of avoiding further surgery.  We stayed another night to support him through the ordeal, which involved him holding his head back for the hour of the procedure, and the MRI Wednesday morning to look for bone infection.  Thankfully there was no sign of that, though they will continue to treat Joel with strong antibiotics just in case.

On Tuesday night after the procedure, Pete asked Joel, "Do you feel anxious?"

"Yes," he replied.

"What are you anxious about?"  Pete probed.  Joel hesitated, unable to articulate exactly what concerned him.  So I rushed in, "He's worried about having another surgery.  It hurt SO bad, and took SO long to recover and then he was SO weakened and set back by it, and...he can't BEAR another surgery!" I was bawling and Joel was crying and Pete cried too.

My head and neck and shoulders were sore, my stomach was tense, and I had a very slight headache (I never have headaches).   This continued all day Wednesday; Pete gave me a massage and I took a bath that evening, which helped.  I was fretting and worrying about the possibility of surgery.  "Lord, PLEASE no surgery."  "Lord, he can't handle another surgery."  Etc.

On Thursday morning, the Lord graciously brought to mind the thoughts, "What good does worrying over this chance do?  He hasn't had another surgery; he is coping with the nausea and feeling rotten.  You have already let your requests be made known to Me - constantly.   Can you trust Me to be good?"  Pete confirmed the message on Friday when he called from the hospital and reported that Joel was feeling much better.  "Let's agree not to worry, OK?"  OK.

We are not immune to the temptations of this trial.  We continue to face situations that arouse anxiety, and can choose to listen to the demons of doubt or to the Holy Spirit.  We appreciate those who pray for us, and trust that we will grow in faith, love and obedience to the will of God.

His Needle Does Not Move

This phrase - "His needle does not move" - is repeated regularly by a pastor who is counseling us over the phone.   He's referring to God the Father, who, just as the needle of a compass does not move from true north, loves us exactly the same no matter what we do, AND who approves of us exactly the same no matter what we do.  I have trouble believing the latter, because I don't approve of people I love no matter what they do.  But the pastor's point is that none of us has any righteousness in ourselves; "all our righteousness is like filthy rags," because even the best deeds we do are tainted by impure and even wicked motives - a desire to be paid back, to be recognized, to earn God's love, to earn His approval, to prove I'm better than others, to manipulate others, to ....well, you get the idea.  For me, it really is all about me.   So the only righteousness we have in God's eyes is Jesus' righteousness, earned on the cross and given to us freely.  "When He looks at me He sees not what I used to be (and still am) but He sees Jesus," as the song states correctly.  The pastor encourages us to embrace our sin by freely acknowledging sin whenever and wherever the Lord points it out to us, and repenting of it in true humility.  Then we are free to thank God for His forgiveness in Christ, and trust Him that He is working in us to will and to do His good pleasure.  We don't have to try to keep the law or do good works; we simply trust that God is transforming us, and keep walking with Him.  I don't get it all yet, but it does make a lot of Scriptural sense.  More later on how He plays it out in daily life.  Praise God that "His needle does not move."

You Never Know

On Oct. 18, my hairdresser's husband woke up with blood in his stool, and he's been bleeding ever since with colitis. The doctor has prescribed numerous medications, none of which has helped for long. It's all they think about or talk about, except when their three little children need attention (which, blessedly, is often). Now he's going to try fasting for a few days and then slowly reintroducing foods one at a time to see if he can get a handle on it without medications. A healthy man all his life, he has no template to handle the inconvenience of it all (he has been able to continue working), but more than that, the fear. What will be the outcome?

A shirttail relative is scheduled for surgery on Wednesday after about six weeks of battling some colon problem. He's been in and out of the hospital; for the last week he has had no food OR WATER, with no results. Says he, "I'd kill for a piece of pizza!" The doctor's best hope is for a temporary colostomy, I assume as opposed to a permanent one; what they will see when they open him up is unknown. Again, what will be the outcome?

On the other end of the surprise spectrum is one of our missionary couples. They have been trying to conceive for years, and she had a surgery to fix something in the fall. They decided to wait until March and then pursue adoption. They've known she was pregnant for a few weeks, and she was spotting and cramping so they were sure she was miscarrying - again. But at their recent appointment, the heartbeat was strong and the baby is perfectly healthy! Praise God! But once again, what will be the outcome?

You never know what will happen tomorrow to change your life, for better or worse. All we can do is walk with God today and trust Him for tomorrow, because He's the only one who knows.

Keeping the Faith

We are praying for unity with Michelle and Saul regarding whether they are being called by God to pursue a relationship leading to marriage. Pete feels strongly that the whole thing began wrongly and doesn't feel good about it continuing unless there are major signs of repentance. No one wants a wedding with hard feelings, or even uneasy feelings, and no one wants Michelle and Saul to abandon what they feel called to do unless they have faith that God is in the abandoning. Since we went to Puebla in August, we have been praying for unity - and we don't seem to be any closer. I get quite discouraged about the prospects, but then I remember what CS Lewis wrote about the devil's delight in getting us to give in to temptation just before he would have to quit tempting us. If we can keep the faith, I believe we will see the power of the Lord. Jesus said, "Father, may they be one as we are one, that the world may know You sent me." May we receive the gift of faith!

A Little Reminder

I've been stressed out lately, with seemingly endless lists of things to do and prepare and reorganize now that summer's here and I'm not teaching history, English and math. So when I snagged my wedding ring on my sweater and realized one of the little diamonds was gone, it seemed to fit right in. I do have my ring cleaned and checked every year, but there's something about the prongs that wear down regularly. I had no idea how long the diamond had been missing or where it might have fallen out, so I was quite sure I would never see it again. I found the grace to be thankful that, unlike the time several years ago that I lost my big diamond (and found it), we do have the money to replace the gem.

Because I found the big diamond by sweeping the entire floor, I decided to try that again. I threw a little prayer into the air (as I saw it) - "Lord, it'd sure be nice if I could find that thing." Pete had also prayed that I would find it. As I walked from the bedroom to the kitchen to get a broom, I noticed a sparkle on the carpet. I leaned down and grasped - the diamond! I couldn't believe it - what were the odds?

This was a little reminder from God that He is perfectly capable of working things out. May I trust Him in the little things, the medium-sized things AND the big things.