Lies We Believe

A recently-divorced friend (call her Peggy, since I have no friends by that name) posted on Facebook, "I read that my kids will remember my attitude more than the things I tried to teach them.  It made me cry, because my kids had me during the worst years of my life, when I was a stressed-out, depressed person.  That's not who I really am.  I'm sorry, kids - I wish it could have been different."

This troubled me, but I had to think about it quite a while before I realized why.  The lies Peggy believes are so thick that it's hard to untangle them and evaluate them one at a time.

1.  I'm not me some of the time.  This friend and her husband dealt with some very difficult circumstances.  Unfortunately, Peggy responded with anger, bitterness, blame (in her words, "stress" and "depression") and ultimately, the decision to shed her husband like a snake sheds its old, worn-out skin.  Now she feels liberated, as though she is blossoming into her true self.  She's happy and carefree, as she remembers feeling in the early years of her marriage.  But who was stressed-out and depressed?  Peggy.  Who regularly lashed out at her husband and kids?  Peggy.  Who broke up their unhappy home?  Peggy.  Some other person did not take possession of Peggy's body.  She really was, and is, that person.

2.  Circumstances control our lives; we are just victims.  Those "worst years" could have been the best years, had Peggy responded with patience, trust or love to the trials she faced.  Her three daughters could be filled with admiration at what their mother endured and gratitude for an intact, happy home despite their troubles.  My own parents had many ups and downs in their 38-year marriage, but at my mother's funeral, I cried with joy that we had walked the cancer journey together as a whole family.

3.  Things couldn't have been any different.  Things could have been different.  When her husband turned out to be a jerk, as all men are occasionally, Peggy could have remembered why she married him in the first place and patiently waited for things to get better.  She could have restrained her tongue at home as she does at work.  She could have sought counseling with a willingness to change herself instead of a preconceived determination that her husband or the circumstances were at fault.  She could have surrounded herself with people who believed, "Murder, maybe; divorce, never."  She could have recognized her own complicity in the problems and extended grace to her husband and daughters.

This whole post depressed me because Peggy continues to see herself as a victim and therefore doesn't see any need to change her own attitudes.  Does she really believe that now that her husband is out of her home, no trials will ever arise?  Or that she will somehow respond with grace and joy to future difficulties, when she has a completely different pattern firmly entrenched in her psyche?

I am no better than Peggy.  I have the same negative reactions, the same self-righteous bitterness, the same tendency to blame others and lash out at them.  What will my children remember?  I pray they will remember that Jesus Christ forgives and renews me and them.  I pray they will remember that the Holy Spirit "calls, gathers, enlightens, and sanctifies" us.  I pray they will remember my humble moments.  And I pray they will remember that two jerks can live together in peace and love through God's power.

Give Thanks (in all circumstances)

Friday night as we ate supper with our friends in Bloomington, we reflected on the day. Everyone had a horrible one! One daughter missed out on a part in the school play; the dad had to bring money to another daughter whose friend wanted to go home from an event unless they could buy tickets to do stuff. One 6-month-old son had a piece of metal equipment fall on his head during a photo shoot. And another dad had to work late and miss our meeting. Pete & I were late to supper because there was traffic in the Cities, and because when we were supposed to leave at 4, I was just arriving home to pack. Here's why:

Philip and I arrived at Runnings to pick up a donation for the benefit on Sunday. I waited several minutes while the clerk tried to figure out what Mike, who was out to lunch, wanted to give. I finally agreed to come back on my way out of town, when he might be back. I had a premonition already; as we left the parking lot, I said to Philip, "I hope the whole trip isn't going to be like this." I had three errands I wanted to complete before dropping Philip off to spend the night with cousins.

Philip had unexpectedly earned $10, so he was going to buy our snack and chose Arby's. We waited in the drive-thru line for a couple of minutes until a server came out and said the drive-thru was broken and we could just drive around to the window and order. After waiting for the two cards ahead of us and ordering our food, the guy at the window said they were waiting for fresh potato cakes so we should pull ahead and they would bring our order out. By this time, I just laughed and told Philip, "I knew this would happen. I'd better figure out what I really need to get, because I'm not going to accomplish anything extra, I can see that already!"

While in line, I called Yvonne to see if I could meet her somewhere to give her a gift for a baby shower I'd miss the next day. She was at home, so I'd have to swing by her place (3-5 miles out of the way) on the way home. The Wal-Mart stop went smoothly (Surprise!), and I brought Philip to the church parking lot where we were to meet my sister-in-law. We waited several minutes for her, and it turned out that, for the first time ever (of course!), her daughter was waylaid by some friends on her way out of school and she was late. I chuckled and told them the story of my trip so far.

Alone now, I headed back to Runnings, where Mike still hadn't returned. I waited several minutes before they told me he was on his way. He arrived, very apologetic that he'd forgotten to set the donation aside. He gave me a nice fishing rod and reel, and another clerk said she wanted to donate an electric knife, and out the door I went. After stopping at the church to drop off donations, driving to Yvonne's house to drop off the gift, I arrived home at exactly 4:00, when we should have been on the road.

Occasionally everything will go right on a trip and I'll get much more done than I thought possible. I think this trip, the exact opposite, was a test, and I think I passed it! I was cheerful and patient and willing to drop half my desired errands. Thanks, Lord, for giving me perspective.