A friend mentioned that their marriage counselor recommended "shoulder time," where the couple just sits next to each other, possibly relaxing or doing something stationary, like knitting or reading. I suppose this contrasts with "face time," where you are trying to intentionally build the relationship and might have more pressure to perform or accomplish some emotional breakthrough. Maybe it's helpful because you can just rest together and that builds community.
I haven't watched the Olympics in years, so last night during the opening ceremonies I decided Pete and I should try "shoulder time"; he was agreeable, so we sat on the floor, bracing our backs against the ottoman, and started watching. The Russian stadium was filled with beauty, light and interesting history, but I couldn't believe how hard it was for me to sit still and just watch. I popped up during every commercial to clean the kitchen, and then to get everything out of our old media cabinet (just boards on bricks) so I could rearrange them in the new stand. I don't know if this "shoulder time" would be helpful or not - maybe it would be - but I don't know if I can even do it! Stay tuned...
Showing posts with label couples. Show all posts
Showing posts with label couples. Show all posts
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Lies We Believe
A recently-divorced friend (call her Peggy, since I have no friends by that name) posted on Facebook, "I read that my kids will remember my attitude more than the things I tried to teach them. It made me cry, because my kids had me during the worst years of my life, when I was a stressed-out, depressed person. That's not who I really am. I'm sorry, kids - I wish it could have been different."
This troubled me, but I had to think about it quite a while before I realized why. The lies Peggy believes are so thick that it's hard to untangle them and evaluate them one at a time.
1. I'm not me some of the time. This friend and her husband dealt with some very difficult circumstances. Unfortunately, Peggy responded with anger, bitterness, blame (in her words, "stress" and "depression") and ultimately, the decision to shed her husband like a snake sheds its old, worn-out skin. Now she feels liberated, as though she is blossoming into her true self. She's happy and carefree, as she remembers feeling in the early years of her marriage. But who was stressed-out and depressed? Peggy. Who regularly lashed out at her husband and kids? Peggy. Who broke up their unhappy home? Peggy. Some other person did not take possession of Peggy's body. She really was, and is, that person.
2. Circumstances control our lives; we are just victims. Those "worst years" could have been the best years, had Peggy responded with patience, trust or love to the trials she faced. Her three daughters could be filled with admiration at what their mother endured and gratitude for an intact, happy home despite their troubles. My own parents had many ups and downs in their 38-year marriage, but at my mother's funeral, I cried with joy that we had walked the cancer journey together as a whole family.
3. Things couldn't have been any different. Things could have been different. When her husband turned out to be a jerk, as all men are occasionally, Peggy could have remembered why she married him in the first place and patiently waited for things to get better. She could have restrained her tongue at home as she does at work. She could have sought counseling with a willingness to change herself instead of a preconceived determination that her husband or the circumstances were at fault. She could have surrounded herself with people who believed, "Murder, maybe; divorce, never." She could have recognized her own complicity in the problems and extended grace to her husband and daughters.
This whole post depressed me because Peggy continues to see herself as a victim and therefore doesn't see any need to change her own attitudes. Does she really believe that now that her husband is out of her home, no trials will ever arise? Or that she will somehow respond with grace and joy to future difficulties, when she has a completely different pattern firmly entrenched in her psyche?
I am no better than Peggy. I have the same negative reactions, the same self-righteous bitterness, the same tendency to blame others and lash out at them. What will my children remember? I pray they will remember that Jesus Christ forgives and renews me and them. I pray they will remember that the Holy Spirit "calls, gathers, enlightens, and sanctifies" us. I pray they will remember my humble moments. And I pray they will remember that two jerks can live together in peace and love through God's power.
This troubled me, but I had to think about it quite a while before I realized why. The lies Peggy believes are so thick that it's hard to untangle them and evaluate them one at a time.
1. I'm not me some of the time. This friend and her husband dealt with some very difficult circumstances. Unfortunately, Peggy responded with anger, bitterness, blame (in her words, "stress" and "depression") and ultimately, the decision to shed her husband like a snake sheds its old, worn-out skin. Now she feels liberated, as though she is blossoming into her true self. She's happy and carefree, as she remembers feeling in the early years of her marriage. But who was stressed-out and depressed? Peggy. Who regularly lashed out at her husband and kids? Peggy. Who broke up their unhappy home? Peggy. Some other person did not take possession of Peggy's body. She really was, and is, that person.
2. Circumstances control our lives; we are just victims. Those "worst years" could have been the best years, had Peggy responded with patience, trust or love to the trials she faced. Her three daughters could be filled with admiration at what their mother endured and gratitude for an intact, happy home despite their troubles. My own parents had many ups and downs in their 38-year marriage, but at my mother's funeral, I cried with joy that we had walked the cancer journey together as a whole family.
3. Things couldn't have been any different. Things could have been different. When her husband turned out to be a jerk, as all men are occasionally, Peggy could have remembered why she married him in the first place and patiently waited for things to get better. She could have restrained her tongue at home as she does at work. She could have sought counseling with a willingness to change herself instead of a preconceived determination that her husband or the circumstances were at fault. She could have surrounded herself with people who believed, "Murder, maybe; divorce, never." She could have recognized her own complicity in the problems and extended grace to her husband and daughters.
This whole post depressed me because Peggy continues to see herself as a victim and therefore doesn't see any need to change her own attitudes. Does she really believe that now that her husband is out of her home, no trials will ever arise? Or that she will somehow respond with grace and joy to future difficulties, when she has a completely different pattern firmly entrenched in her psyche?
I am no better than Peggy. I have the same negative reactions, the same self-righteous bitterness, the same tendency to blame others and lash out at them. What will my children remember? I pray they will remember that Jesus Christ forgives and renews me and them. I pray they will remember that the Holy Spirit "calls, gathers, enlightens, and sanctifies" us. I pray they will remember my humble moments. And I pray they will remember that two jerks can live together in peace and love through God's power.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Vive la Difference!
On Saturday we attended a wedding in Waterloo, IA. Emily Marie, oldest daughter of our dear missionary friends, married Mattias, son of a Christian family from Ames. With David's wedding fresh on my mind, I noticed a number of similarities and differences between the two couples and their weddings.
Similarities:
1. Both are strong Christ-centered couples and it showed in their weddings.
2. Both had communion services.
3. Both used vows from older books.
3. Both are about 22 years of age.
4. Both had their families' full blessing.
5. Both brides wore hand-sewn ivory gowns.
6. Both weddings inspired confidence that the marriages will last.
But the differences were even more striking and made each ceremony unique and enjoyable:
1. David & Callie wed outside at 7:30pm, with seven attendants each including her three sisters and his four brothers, plus cousins and friends. Their reception was in a barn across the yard. Emily & Mattias wed in a church at 11am, with their combined three sisters and three brothers as attendants. Their reception was in a school auditorium a couple of miles away.
2. Callie's aunt Margo made her form-fitting dress with a lace overlay and a 40's-looking short veil. Emily made her own dress of satin with a long train. Emily also had a Sandquist family heirloom tiara holding her long veil.
3. David & Callie along with their attendants and parents served communion with homemade (by me!) bread to the guests at four stations. Emily & Mattias received communion along with their guests in the midst of a full liturgical worship service. The whole wedding party sat down during most of the service.
4. David & Callie's families sang a special arrangement of "Be Thou My Vision" commissioned for their wedding, and a soloist sang a song Callie wrote. During the Iowa worship service, the congregation sang three hymns and the wedding service was just a part of the overall service.
5. Pastor Grandpa Stadem said, "You may kiss the bride" at the end of the service, and David enthusiastically complied. Mattias kissed Emily (for the first time) only after leaving the church.
6. The dance at the North Dakota wedding was typical, with DJs playing the Chicken Dance, the Hokey Pokey, oldies and new rock songs. The Sandquists hired a caller to teach us Celtic circle dances and the Virginia Reel.
7. David & Callie are musical performers and sang "Lucky" at their reception. Emily & Mattias are cerebral; the story is told that when they first met Mattias spent two hours lecturing on biochemistry - and Emily wanted more!
Our Lord Jesus brought two unique couples together and they celebrated His love for them in unique ways. Neither wedding glorified God "more" than the other; neither reception was "better." Both couples vowed to love and to cherish "until death do us part," so neither marriage will last "longer" than the other. No comparisons are needed; praise God and "vive la difference"!
Similarities:
1. Both are strong Christ-centered couples and it showed in their weddings.
2. Both had communion services.
3. Both used vows from older books.
3. Both are about 22 years of age.
4. Both had their families' full blessing.
5. Both brides wore hand-sewn ivory gowns.
6. Both weddings inspired confidence that the marriages will last.
But the differences were even more striking and made each ceremony unique and enjoyable:
1. David & Callie wed outside at 7:30pm, with seven attendants each including her three sisters and his four brothers, plus cousins and friends. Their reception was in a barn across the yard. Emily & Mattias wed in a church at 11am, with their combined three sisters and three brothers as attendants. Their reception was in a school auditorium a couple of miles away.
2. Callie's aunt Margo made her form-fitting dress with a lace overlay and a 40's-looking short veil. Emily made her own dress of satin with a long train. Emily also had a Sandquist family heirloom tiara holding her long veil.
3. David & Callie along with their attendants and parents served communion with homemade (by me!) bread to the guests at four stations. Emily & Mattias received communion along with their guests in the midst of a full liturgical worship service. The whole wedding party sat down during most of the service.
4. David & Callie's families sang a special arrangement of "Be Thou My Vision" commissioned for their wedding, and a soloist sang a song Callie wrote. During the Iowa worship service, the congregation sang three hymns and the wedding service was just a part of the overall service.
5. Pastor Grandpa Stadem said, "You may kiss the bride" at the end of the service, and David enthusiastically complied. Mattias kissed Emily (for the first time) only after leaving the church.
6. The dance at the North Dakota wedding was typical, with DJs playing the Chicken Dance, the Hokey Pokey, oldies and new rock songs. The Sandquists hired a caller to teach us Celtic circle dances and the Virginia Reel.
7. David & Callie are musical performers and sang "Lucky" at their reception. Emily & Mattias are cerebral; the story is told that when they first met Mattias spent two hours lecturing on biochemistry - and Emily wanted more!
Our Lord Jesus brought two unique couples together and they celebrated His love for them in unique ways. Neither wedding glorified God "more" than the other; neither reception was "better." Both couples vowed to love and to cherish "until death do us part," so neither marriage will last "longer" than the other. No comparisons are needed; praise God and "vive la difference"!
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