Super Bowl Cheer

"A cheerful heart is good medicine."  Prov. 17:22  We saw the truth of this proverb yesterday as Joel rolled into the basement conference room at HCMC and 31 visitors screamed and hollered and cheered - silently!  We didn't want to overwhelm him with noise and commotion, so we pantomimed the welcome we would normally have given.  Soon the party settled into controlled chaos, however, as small groups visited throughout the room and the projector TV system blared the Super Bowl game and ads continuously.  Parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends brought snacks to share and everyone ate their fill (except Joel).  Cole drove 250 miles to get there, but he said it was "worth it all."   Joel sat in his wheelchair for almost 2 1/2 hours; his smiles blessed the whole crowd.  Though his pain increased throughout the evening, he wanted to remain as long as possible.  When he returned to his bed, Daniel and a couple of friends went back with him to finish watching the Denver debacle.   I can only imagine the misery we would have endured had we been watching that game with only our immediate family!

We traveled home last night, figuring that Joel wouldn't need visitors today but would benefit from recuperation time.  When Pete talked to him this afternoon, though, he said he felt fine.  The love shown by everyone, and the enjoyable conversation with people who understand him, more than compensated for the tiring effects of the trip downstairs.  Happiness heals!

When Will I Ever Learn?

Last Saturday evening, the devotional reading from Jesus Today shared these good thoughts:

“When you’re in a tough situation, your mind tends to go into overdrive.  You mentally rehearse possible solutions at breakneck speed.  You scrutinize your own abilities and those of people you might call upon for help.  If you find no immediate solution, you feel anxious.  When you find this happening, return to Me and rest in quietness.”

Just after we read this over the phone with Joel, he mentioned that one of the nurses told him he was scheduled to be moved to the University of Minnesota on Monday.  What???  Dr. P gave us a glowing report of the CT scan results on Wednesday and we thought the University people wouldn't have to do any major surgery on Joel's esophagus because things had improved significantly!  However, CT scans had been interpreted in exactly opposite ways twice before this.  We began to worry.

At about 6 am on Sunday, I woke up and my mind "went into overdrive."  Of course, I couldn't solve this problem in any way, but I mentally rehearsed a possible speech I could give to the HCMC staff, telling them they could NOT continue building up the hopes of patients, only to dash them to the ground with a contradictory interpretation of the test.  I laid awake for at least an hour, mulling over this challenge.

After church, Pete decided to travel to the hospital and track down someone who could give us answers.  Once there, he talked to Dr. P, who informed him that the U of M doctors concurred; there would be no transfer to the U, no major surgery there, and things have improved.  Dr. H would send a scope down Joel's throat on Tuesday to see about the esophagus hole, but that was the only planned procedure at this point.

I was very thankful, of course, but also ashamed.  The Lord gave me a message of peace just minutes before I needed it, and I completely ignored it.  When will I ever learn?  "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief."  

Turning the Tide

A friend wrote comparing the battle for Joel's health to Israel's battle against the Amalekites in Exodus 17.  While Joshua and his hand-picked men fought, Moses planted himself on a nearby hill and held up his staff.  As long as it remained aloft, the Israelites had the advantage, but when Moses dropped his hands, the momentum shifted.  When Moses grew too tired, Aaron and Hur set him on a stone and propped up his arms from either side.  His hands stayed steady til sunset, and the Israelites prevailed.  Our friend suggested that we are all called to prop up Joel as his body fights this infection and the rest of its problems.  We must not grow weary, even if Joel does.  This goes along with our call to persevere in prayer like the widow with the unrighteous judge.in Luke 18.

The United States entered World War I in 1917, after almost three years of trench warfare had decimated the European troops and drained them of hope.  The "doughboys" arrived, fresh, young, and fat, to skepticism from the hardened, battle-worn, diseased and starving warriors.  The Americans surprised everyone with their fighting skill and their supplies, strategy and spirit helped turn the tide of the war.  Like Aaron and Hur, they held up the European armies and cemented the victory.

Last week we sent Christmas picture postcards to about 40 people we guessed didn't know about our situation.  Calls and cards immediately poured in, confirming our suspicion.  More friends joined us on Facebook and more visitors posted on Caring Bridge.  It reminded me of the doughboys; these friends are fresh and full of faith, not tired and worried like some of us.  Is it a coincidence that we got a good report within a week?  Maybe not!  May they encourage Joel and turn the tide, Lord Jesus.

Back Where We Started

We are back where we started, on the SICU floor at HCMC in downtown Minneapolis.  Joel came here by ambulance yesterday afternoon and had a surgical procedure done by the ENT team at about 11 pm.  Dr. H went through his mouth to access the abscess (sounds like a song, "OK, everybody, access the abscess with me!") , remove all infection, irrigate the cavity, and insert a drain tube through Joel's nose to hold the incision open until the air pocket underneath can heal from the bottom up.

Saturday, when Joel felt even worse than Friday, my heart sank.  It sank even lower when he spiked a fever that evening, and when the home health nurse recommended an ER trip.  At midnight as I lay down, I decided to take Pete's advice and put something edifying in my mind.  "EM Bounds on Prayer" caught my eye and I opened to the first chapter - "Prayer and Faith."    Tears filled my eyes as I read that we should not fret if the Lord delays His answer, because He has a greater work that needs to happen first.  "Jacob had to be changed before Esau could be."

On Sunday morning before Pete took him in, I read the passage to them and we all agreed it was what we needed to hear.  The sermon by visiting pastor B also spoke to my heart:  "If your situation has changed dramatically for the worse, like the exiles in Babylon - get on with your lives."

I cried when making the announcement in church, and got plenty of hugs afterwards.   At 3 Pete informed me that the ambulance left Willmar to head to HCMC.   Today we have heard from at least four different teams of doctors, and I am glad to be here where I'm confident they won't let Joel go until this problem is solved.  Lord, may we patiently wait for Your greater work to be completed.

One Day at a Time, part 3

Joel didn't come home - again.  On Monday, his 21st birthday, the doctors voiced their concern over two low-grade fever and an elevated white blood cell count and ordered two tests, one for an intestinal tract infection and a swallow study.  Since the swallow study was delayed until Tuesday afternoon, his discharge didn't happen.  The first test was negative - good news! - but the only good news about the swallow study was that it wasn't in vain.  It involves swallowing barium, which Joel regurgitates every time.  We were all sure that it would show nothing, but unfortunately, it did show some kind of connection between the esophagus and this abscess area.  That began a flurry of activity, leading to a CT-scan-guided mini-operation to place a drain tube through Joel's neck into the abscess, in the hope of avoiding further surgery.  We stayed another night to support him through the ordeal, which involved him holding his head back for the hour of the procedure, and the MRI Wednesday morning to look for bone infection.  Thankfully there was no sign of that, though they will continue to treat Joel with strong antibiotics just in case.

On Tuesday night after the procedure, Pete asked Joel, "Do you feel anxious?"

"Yes," he replied.

"What are you anxious about?"  Pete probed.  Joel hesitated, unable to articulate exactly what concerned him.  So I rushed in, "He's worried about having another surgery.  It hurt SO bad, and took SO long to recover and then he was SO weakened and set back by it, and...he can't BEAR another surgery!" I was bawling and Joel was crying and Pete cried too.

My head and neck and shoulders were sore, my stomach was tense, and I had a very slight headache (I never have headaches).   This continued all day Wednesday; Pete gave me a massage and I took a bath that evening, which helped.  I was fretting and worrying about the possibility of surgery.  "Lord, PLEASE no surgery."  "Lord, he can't handle another surgery."  Etc.

On Thursday morning, the Lord graciously brought to mind the thoughts, "What good does worrying over this chance do?  He hasn't had another surgery; he is coping with the nausea and feeling rotten.  You have already let your requests be made known to Me - constantly.   Can you trust Me to be good?"  Pete confirmed the message on Friday when he called from the hospital and reported that Joel was feeling much better.  "Let's agree not to worry, OK?"  OK.

We are not immune to the temptations of this trial.  We continue to face situations that arouse anxiety, and can choose to listen to the demons of doubt or to the Holy Spirit.  We appreciate those who pray for us, and trust that we will grow in faith, love and obedience to the will of God.

A Fine Line

We are getting ready to bring Joel home from the hospital, and it brings up all kinds of questions.  He's taking ten different medications.  Because of low appetite, most of his food intake flows through his "G-tube," and consists of cans of Two-Cal, a product containing "corn syrup solids, sodium and calcium caseinates," and dozens of other ingredients, mostly vitamins and minerals.

We have cooked and eaten a healthier diet, stressing whole grains and minimal processing, since our marriage, primarily because of Pete's research following his colon cancer before I met him.   We know this Two-Cal can't compete with real food, and in fact, the doctors and nurses continually stress the importance of Joel forcing himself to eat even if he lacks hunger.  So I asked the nurse what we could put through the tube in terms of real food puréed or blended.  Nope, she replied, too much chance of clogging the tube and causing infection.

We will face a dilemma daily - how much do we try to "treat" Joel with alternative foods or home remedies, and how much do we try to duplicate the hospital environment?  We have great respect and gratitude for the medical personnel who have kept Joel alive and brought him this far, but we know also that they operate under constraints of licensing and insurance coverage and liability that prevent them from giving him some benefits, and cause them to give him extra treatments that aren't necessary or maybe even helpful.

In the emergency room after David's ambulance delivery, the nurse scrubbed my stomach in preparation for a shot of Pitocin, ignoring my protests ("It's just routine") until the doctor came in and concurred, "No, she doesn't need Pitocin, she's going to breast feed."   The one-size-fits-all routines don't fit all.  Prayer, discernment and medical advice will help us do the best we can for Joel.

Freedom from Burdens

This week, Joel has steadily recovered from his surgery with no setbacks:  no fever, no coughing, no nausea or vomiting.  His return to Sister Kenny and a full schedule of therapy happened without a hitch.  We expect that removing the abscess of infection behind his esophagus freed him from a huge burden and will allow healing to proceed at a faster pace.

We’ve used the two extra weeks afforded by Joel’s delay in returning home for a good purpose:  decluttering.  We’ve brought three loads of clothes and miscellaneous household items to the local thrift shop, and I have 27 empty buckets, bins and baskets that used to store stacks of stuff.   We expect that removing this amount of clutter from our home freed us from a huge burden and will allow caring for Joel to proceed in a more organized and pleasant fashion.

How much infection or clutter has gathered in our spirits?  Pete and I just spent an hour discussing the possibility of cutting back on our, and our kids’, media consumption.  We all watch a lot of movies, the boys play video games, I read Internet articles and we all surf the Web and do social media quite a bit.  How much of a burden might this place on our spiritual healing and growth?  If we can reduce or eliminate these influences, might we be free to follow Christ more closely?  Stay tuned….

You Never Know

When we returned Joel to Sister Kenny on Tuesday after a fairly successful, though overwhelming, trial run at home, his neck and throat hurt badly and they decided to keep him another day to give those muscles a chance to rest before another car trip.  Dr. O, the internal medicine doctor, informed us they would perform a "swallow evaluation" to figure out why he kept having trouble.  We visited friends to examine their accessible van and appreciated the chance to ready a few more things for Thursday's homecoming.  We continued to pray that if Joel wasn't ready to come home, the Lord would make that clear to the doctors and prevent it from happening.

On Wednesday, Joel called to tell us that they discovered a leak in his esophagus with a sac of infected fluid between it and the spine.  At about 9:30pm, he said he was scheduled to have surgery to take out the abscess - that night!  And he wouldn't be able to eat or drink for seven days while the esophagus healed itself.  I pressed the nurse to give my number to the surgeon so he could call me as soon as he was finished, and Joel and I agreed that I would come to be with him on Thursday.

At 4:30 am, Dr. D called and in a hearty voice informed me that the surgery was successful and that Dr G, the original neurosurgeon from HCMC, had come over and taken the plates and screws out of Joel's neck also.  "It's hard for infection to heal in the presence of hardware so we removed it."  Wow.

Thursday morning I called the nurse's station as I drove, and the Sister Kenny nurse explained, "Oh, he's not on our floor any more.  Just a minute, I'll get you his new room number."  What??  I called the ICU at Abbott Northwestern Heart Hospital, and his nurse, Molly reported that Joel was experiencing almost uncontrollable pain, probably from the hardware removal.   I asked how long he would be in the ICU, and whether he would return to Sister Kenny after that.  "Probably overnight, and no, up to the spine or neuro unit."  I started fretting about this and that, but had the presence of mind to turn on the Christian radio station.  As I sang praise songs, they helped soothe me and remind me of God's power and love.  Then a d.j. came on and told how he was praying for a motorcyclist in a coma at the hospital and received the inspiration to tell him who God was.  "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, Who was and is and is to come."  And the biker started jerking and the machines started beeping and the nurses came running and - he woke up!  I determined to remind Joel of who God is when I arrived.

Molly had the pain mostly under control with a morphine drip plus pump by the time I got there at 12:30pm; it was at a level 6 or 7 instead of 9 or 10 (on a scale of 1-10).  I held Joel's hands for an hour, then one hand for another hour while we listened to praise music on his iPod.   The pain had been "as bad as I've had ever in my life," but by the time I left at 7 pm, he felt fairly comfortable and much more at peace.  Remembering who the Lord is and how much He loves us solves some of our problems at the deepest level.

Dr. O stopped in and expressed his gratitude that the swallow evaluation caught the infection, and reiterated that this may have been the cause of numerous problems for Joel.  Dr. A agreed, and further explained how much easier it is to treat infections without metal nearby.  Apparently bacteria love to hide in the pits and grooves of titanium hardware.   Dr. O seemed to think that Joel could possibly return to Sister Kenny when he's a little stronger, to make sure he's still up to speed for coming home.

As I drove back home (thankful that I was on 35W South because 35W North was backed up for at least 3 miles), I reflected once more on the futility of worry.  I lacked something to give Joel when I started the day, but the Lord provided it through the radio station.  Wherever Joel goes after this, Jesus will walk with him, and with us.

Wake Up!

One day this week, physical therapists placed Joel in the "standing machine," which helped him gradually move from a sitting to a standing position.  The very next day, the doctor pointed out more movement in his left leg.  We theorize that putting weight on his foot sent a signal to his brain - "Wake up those nerves!  You need to stand up!"   Doctor Velez encouraged Joel to name his left leg and speak to it;  "Kick out!  Wake up!  Move!"  She said it would make a difference; he thinks it's silly and says he won't do it.

What struck me is the parallel to the Biblical statements about faith.  Jesus told his disciples, "Whoever says to this mountain, "Be removed and cast into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart, but believes...it shall be done."  (Mark 11)  In Matthew 8, he commends the centurion for understanding that all Jesus had to do was speak to bring healing.  Solomon advised in Proverbs 18, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue."  Even medical science - at Sister Kenny, the premier spinal cord treatment center in Minnesota - is confirming the importance of faith, of hope, and of speaking "to call nonexistent things into existence."  (Rom. 4:17)  I hope Joel will change his mind about the value of talking to his leg; I hope we will all believe God's word in our hearts, speak it with our lips, and live it in our actions.

One Day at a Time, part 2

Early Friday morning I woke up and thoughts started pouring through my mind about Joel's future.  I pictured him in a wheelchair forever, pondered all the things he wouldn't be able to do (work, play guitar, have children) and worried and fretted until I had to get up.  I knew these thoughts were of the devil but couldn't seem to banish them or "take them captive to Christ."  My insights into living one day at a time seemed long ago and far away.  I was in the future, and it was no good!

Sometime during the busy preparation for the wedding weekend, an idea struck me on how to banish those pesky future frettings.  I started asking myself, "Do I have what I need to get through today?"  My fears about tomorrow may come to pass; then again, they may not.  Unless there is something I specifically need to do today to get ready for tomorrow, I should forget about tomorrow (as Jesus recommends).  Today has enough troubles of its own.  And Friday certainly did, as we packed for the weekend and the wedding, traveled to Plain View Farm, helped prepare, rehearsed with the wedding party, and celebrated at the groom's dinner.

Just as my worrying about the helicopter bill (Musing about Money, September 10) proved baseless, so will most of these concerns.  If Joel doesn't recover fully, there will be plenty of time to help him deal with those challenges.  So my new goal in living one day at a time is to keep asking myself, "Do I have what I need to get through today?"  and get started on today's tasks.  Lord, help me remember this goal!!

Overwhelming Busyness

Just over two weeks have passed since I left Joel and his full therapy schedule at Sister Kenny to return home to motherhood of a big family.  Two weeks of homeschooling, household management, church music, and trying to restore organization seem like a blur.  I still want to enjoy reading a good book, as I did during lunch breaks and before bed while caring for Joel in the hospitals, but guilt plagues me because if I take the time to do so, tasks remain unfinished.  Coordinating trips to town ("Can anybody carpool today?"), meals for six ("Who's going to be home for lunch?  Supper?"), laundry, cleaning chores and educational needs takes a lot more energy, effort and time than scratching Joel's head, listening to his caregivers and medical personnel, and keeping a positive attitude.  Plus I don't sleep as many hours or get outside as much.

Reading the above paragraph makes me wonder why I'm not spending more time with the Lord.  It sounds like I need His strength more than ever!  But ironically, I seem to think I can get by with less prayer and Bible time, and skipping the "gratitude journal," because now I'm in familiar territory.  Also, I have much more human interaction with the kids and Pete, so quiet time is harder to come by.  No wonder I'm feeling burned out already, and lack energy and motivation.   Lord, forgive my pride and help me seek Your face, Your Spirit, Your wisdom and Your strength.

Musings about Money

I finally dug into the file for the health insurance Benefits Summary and discovered - we have no lifetime maximum!  "Unlimited benefits for each individual."  Thank You, Lord, and thank you Blue Cross Blue Shield!  I knew we had good insurance, but I still thought we might have a $1 million per person limit or some such.  Joel's bills will quite likely exceed that total, although BCBS might not pay that much; they negotiate down with Preferred Providers, sometimes as much as 50%.

A few weeks ago, an envelope came from Life Links, the Hutchinson helicopter provider that flew Joel to HCMC on the night of the accident.  The bill for almost $30,000 was accompanied by a notice that BCBS had "denied your claim because we are a Non-participating Provider.  They will pay you directly."  They included a whole page of instructions on possibly routes to take if BCBS did not pay us the full amount, and concluded with a reminder that "you are responsible for the full amount."  That caused a few nervous moments, along with questions - "How could they refuse to pay it?  It was an emergency; it wasn't like we had a choice to go with a Participating Provider!" - and gratitude that we actually do have the money to pay that bill if necessary.  But within a week, a check arrived from BCBS for the exact amount.  Once again - we have great insurance!

Because we have the top-of-the-line policy, we (and our employer) have paid a lot in premiums over the years - well over $1000/month since going to work for Gorans Bros.  But even if we've averaged $1000/month for our entire married life, that totals $300,000 - less than the bill for Joel's stay at HCMC, let alone Regency and now Sister Kenny.  As sister-in-law Tanya and I agreed the first week after Joel's accident (and before Steve's accident), that's why we have insurance.  But the ability of BCBS to pay these bills depends on a whole lot of people all paying more in premiums than they take out in claims in order to have enough money left over for Joel.  And to think of all the money that goes into caring for Joel, and that has gone into developing all the procedures and machines that are helping him recover, boggles our minds.  Our American health care system is serving us well, but there isn't enough money in the world for every person in this country to receive this much care.  Fortunately, most people never will need this much care.  It's easy to see the conundrum that we face, however:  how can we afford enough care for everyone?  

Goals, One Day at a Time

I'm home for the weekend, and I needed to be.  God used this time for Pete to see a breakthrough for Joel in terms of understanding what's going on.  Yesterday we asked for prayers for wisdom and discernment for Joel on when to "tough it out" and when to listen to his body saying, "That's enough."  Today his chest X-ray showed more clogged areas so the doctor put a PIC IV tube into his chest and started antibiotics.  This is a setback - another tube into his body instead of tubes being removed, as we had this week.

The doctor, nurse and respiratory therapist all agreed:  "If you don't do these breathing exercises, sit in the chair and generally move around more, you will keep getting pneumonia."  His lungs are more susceptible because he's had pneumonia recently.  I am praying that the antibiotics help him feel better immediately so he has more energy with which to tough it out.

I think I was getting comfortable in the hospital, with an idea of "I can do this" instead of the desperate crying out to the Lord which we need to continue until full recovery and wholeness returns to Joel and our family.  Now we will try "One Day at a Time" goal-setting; Pete did this with Joel today and he was motivated to reach the goals by accomplishing the tasks.

Thanks be to God for continued "Yes!" answers to prayers, and granting patience to wait through the "Not yet!" answers.

Count Your Blessings

On the Monday after Joel's accident, I realized I'd better start "counting my blessings" to feed gratefulness and faith in my spirit.  As of this morning, I have recorded over 400 separate items for which I am truly grateful.  Reading them helps me remember that "no temptation (or trial) has overtaken you that is not common to man.  God is faithful and He will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also provide a way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." (1 Cor. 10:13)  I read somewhere that the new translation of the Lord's Prayer, "Save us from the time of trial" instead of "Lead us not into temptation," points out that the Greek for "temptation" is more along the lines of being tempted to doubt God because of the trials in our lives.  That clarifies the above verse for me; it's not a temptation to sin as in doing bad things, but a temptation to sin as in doubting God's goodness, power or love.  So here are some of the things, specific to our situation, that have helped me to "endure:"

Many entries - Facebook, Caring Bridge, and every phone call, text, letter, card, gift, email, post and visit

#3 & #4 - My job isn't an issue; Svea covered the music

#6 - Sunshine pouring in our hospital room window in the mornings

#10 - Pete's knee is so much better than it was even a week ago

#11 - Philip is 12; the kids are all self-sufficient in many ways

#12 - It's summer; we don't have to worry about snow and ice

#13 - First Responder Matt Erickson's testimony - "the most peaceful call I've ever been on"

#23 - Wonderfully caring and competent staff at HCMC

#32-35 - Sister Julie and husband Dave live close, Dave isn't teaching this summer, and they are very willing to help

#36 - People have stuffed our fridge at home with food

#47 - Great sermon on prayer at First Covenant across the street

#50 - Sisters Mary and Julie have kept me supplied with healthy food

#93 - Fleece blankets from two sets of girls - essential in the cold hospital room

#110 - YMCA in Minneapolis and New Hope allow me to use the facilities with my Willmar Y card

#180-182 - when the van alternator broke down, Pete was able to get it to the repair shop without towing

#234 - Pete was here when Joel got moved to Regency

#242 - Jesus Calling book

#247 - Joel's so patient with poor lip readers

#263 - Daniel (and friends) and Grandma & Grandpa Norling came to be with Joel so I could go home and to Sioux Falls

#300 - Great hospitality from various people in the Cities

#332 - It's summer; I'm not homeschooling

I've also enjoyed eating out at various restaurants, especially downtown.  

When I can focus on what's good, positive and helpful, my attitude remains good, positive and helpful.  Lord, help me continue to do so - Amen!

Little Blessings

Before Joel's accident, I finished Ann Voskamp's book, "One Thousand Gifts."  Good thing, too, because her perspective has been invaluable through these weeks.  I even preached a sermon at church (at the last minute) on this topic - and now I get to live it to the max!  Basically, she contends that in the Scripture, thanksgiving always precedes the miracle, and thanksgiving produces joy.  In the first week at the  hospital, I started a journal of things for which I feel truly grateful.  When I try, I can find myriads of little blessings in the midst of this great calamity.  I'm up to 290 right now. Here are a few that seem universal:

#6 - Sunshine pours in our window in the morning
#21 - Sarah can drive
#39 - Facebook
#49 - Good Earth tea
#81 - Though I am weak, the Lord is strong
#108 - Whole wheat crepes for lunch
#169 - Daniel hugged and encouraged me when I cried
#202 - A good nap
#224 - Seeing smiling little kids
#254 - Walking at the New Hope YMCA while watching Jeopardy
#288 - Pete got the OK today to walk without limping as possible

Just tonight, while Joel slept after the second busy day in a row, I donned tennis shoes and T-shirt to walk for some much-needed exercise.  I decided to explore the other end of the parking lot and to my surprise, discovered the Three Rivers Recreational Area and its mountain bike trail.  The heavily wooded area could have passed for Sibley State Park; the trail provided comfortable walking; various wildflowers bloomed along the edge, and I ended up in Schafer Park with its own tiny swamp and a bridge over a creek.  What a gem!  Quiet, peaceful (except for bikers whizzing by) Nature, right in the middle of the city.  As I headed into the hospital, two rabbits hopped across the lawn to a peony patch.

Thank you, dear Lord, for your many good gifts.  Help me to be truly thankful "in all circumstances," and to trust You in everything.  Amen.

What Really Matters

Pete says:

Three weeks ago, I brought Sarah, Andrew and Philip to visit Joel, their first time since the accident.  When we finished praying for Joel, Philip was wiping tears from his eyes.   His quality of tenderness doesn't always show, but he regularly seeks Kari and me out at night for a hug, kiss and an “I love you.”  

On Tuesday Philip and I stayed overnight with Kari and then went to HCMC in the morning to be with Joel until 2:30 pm, when we prayed with Joel and departed so we could get to Prinsburg field in time for Philip to warm up for his baseball game.  Despite the losing effort, a big highlight occurred when Philip connected well with a 1-1 pitch, sending it over the fence in left center field.   He crossed the plate, exchanged high fives with his coach and teammates and then deliberately came towards us.  I thought he wanted congratulations for his first home run, but as I fist-pumped with him, I could see he had another mission.  As I listened, Philip uttered what had been on his mind as he felt the sweet feel of ball hitting sweet spot, and as he took the home run trot, and through the high fives and off the field and over to his Dad, “That was for Joel.”

An Eternal Perspective

Several days ago I battled discouragement for an hour or so.  "It's too hard, Daddy!"  I cried in the bathroom, after we had another setback.  Visions of negative outcomes piled into my mind and I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel  Then I remembered that a couple of days earlier, after the first or second setback, I had determined before the Lord that I was NOT going to get rattled by these setbacks.  The doctors had all warned us they would occur, and that his ultimate recovery (of breathing, anyway) was not in question.   I could trust them to do their best and Joel's body and the Lord to do the rest, and the bumps in the road would not stop us from reaching our goal.

My current challenge, and I think all of ours, is to gain that eternal perspective that Paul writes about in 2 Corinthians 4:  "Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day  For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comprehension, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.  For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."  Previously he had written about his "light and momentary" affliction as "afflicted, perplexed, persecuted, struck down, and always carrying in the body the death of Jesus," so I'm guessing it wasn't that light or that momentary.

If I really believed Jesus when he said things like, "My kingdom is not of the world," and "The kingdom of God is within you," and understood the upside-down nature of the laws of the kingdom of God, I would not panic over the various circumstances of this "seen" life.  I would constantly ask myself, "How can this circumstance be used to glorify God and make his kingdom more real to me and those around me?"  I would trust that the bumps in the road will not stop me from reaching my goal of knowing Christ and making him known.

Lord, I believe - help my unbelief!

Self-Care

Quite a few people, including several doctors and nurses here in the SICU, have kindly reminded me to take care of myself.  I feel good, and I think it's because sisters Julie and Mary and families are caring for me, and I am caring for myself.

1.  Julie and Mary have kept me supplied with good healthy whole-grain food.  From pasta soup to chicken salad to spinach soup, I have been able to nourish my body.

2.  I have left the hospital to sleep each night, usually at the Jones'.  I certainly couldn't sleep on the narrow bench in Joel's room, and I have felt perfectly confident in the care of the night nurses.  Plus they have my phone number.  Staying with the Jones has been especially valuable because they are exceptionally good processors - good listeners, but also with helpful Kingdom-based comments that have kept my eyes on the Lord.

3.  I have taken walks of about 2 miles each day.  The beautiful glass skyscrapers and old buildings in downtown Minneapolis are a feast for the eyes.  I wouldn't have guessed how much I enjoy watching people and looking at the architecture while feeling safe and getting good exercise.  I've also signed up at the local YMCA to continue lifting weights.

4.  Sister Julie and college roommate Shelley each sat with me for one day.  Their godly perspective and enduring love for me make them "comfort food" for my soul.

5.  I have eaten out three times, and the hospital cafeteria had grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup!  Felt like home!  I lunched at a sidewalk cafe called La Belle Crepe - delicious, unusual and the perfect temperature to sit and people-watch.  Shelley took me to The Melting Pot, a fondue restaurant - again unusual, extremely tasty and scintillating conversation!

6.  I brought a few things that have greatly added to my comfort - my slippers, my mug, my tea, enough layers (this room is COLD most of the time!) and the laptop.

7.  Pete is an extremely competent parent and household manager (he likes it clean!), so I am not worried about the home front.

I believe self-care is important at a time like this, and I think I'm doing great - yay for me!  And thanks so much to those who are making it possible.

A New Life - One Day at a Time

On June 20 at 11:30 pm, my life changed for the foreseeable future.  Cole called to say, "You'd better get out to the pool."  Four hours later, he, Daniel and I pulled in to Hennepin County Medical Center and found our way to the Surgical Intensive Care Unit, where Joel lay sedated and immobilized.  A dive into the pool (into which he had dived many times before) had fractured his 5th cervical vertebra and badly bruised his spinal cord.  Now, ten days later, he is still here, battling pneumonia, has a tracheostomy and feeding tube, is completely aware of his surroundings although sleeping quite a bit, and faces an unknown recovery with an unknown time period.  My world has narrowed to this hospital room, thousands of people are praying for all of us, dozens of people are helping, and God is good.

I am NOT a "one day at a time" person.  In the words of Jimmy Stewart/George Bailey in "it's a Wonderful Life," "I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and a month from now, and ten years from now" - or whatever he says.  I'm a planner, with lists, calendars and "To Do"s everywhere.  Now the answer is always, "We don't know."  "Everyone is different."  "It's too soon to tell."      I have quit all my responsibilities except church musician, but they got someone to fill in through July, and I have no idea if I will be able to go back at that point or not.

However, I really am at peace and am learning to enjoy the little things.  The joy of reading Facebook comments, cards, texts and messages gives me a boost.  Some days I feel needed because Joel requires tilting, some other comfort thing, or getting the nurse.  Other days I am the secretary (keeping a log), the information coordinator (listening and trying to remember everything the doctors and nurses say) and the head of the prayer management team (informing people of our needs and encouraging them to keep on praying);.  The days fly by, and even if I haven't done much, I AM where I need to be, and that's enough.  "One day at a time" - it's taking on meaning for me, and it's good.