A friend mentioned that their marriage counselor recommended "shoulder time," where the couple just sits next to each other, possibly relaxing or doing something stationary, like knitting or reading. I suppose this contrasts with "face time," where you are trying to intentionally build the relationship and might have more pressure to perform or accomplish some emotional breakthrough. Maybe it's helpful because you can just rest together and that builds community.
I haven't watched the Olympics in years, so last night during the opening ceremonies I decided Pete and I should try "shoulder time"; he was agreeable, so we sat on the floor, bracing our backs against the ottoman, and started watching. The Russian stadium was filled with beauty, light and interesting history, but I couldn't believe how hard it was for me to sit still and just watch. I popped up during every commercial to clean the kitchen, and then to get everything out of our old media cabinet (just boards on bricks) so I could rearrange them in the new stand. I don't know if this "shoulder time" would be helpful or not - maybe it would be - but I don't know if I can even do it! Stay tuned...
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Lies We Believe
A recently-divorced friend (call her Peggy, since I have no friends by that name) posted on Facebook, "I read that my kids will remember my attitude more than the things I tried to teach them. It made me cry, because my kids had me during the worst years of my life, when I was a stressed-out, depressed person. That's not who I really am. I'm sorry, kids - I wish it could have been different."
This troubled me, but I had to think about it quite a while before I realized why. The lies Peggy believes are so thick that it's hard to untangle them and evaluate them one at a time.
1. I'm not me some of the time. This friend and her husband dealt with some very difficult circumstances. Unfortunately, Peggy responded with anger, bitterness, blame (in her words, "stress" and "depression") and ultimately, the decision to shed her husband like a snake sheds its old, worn-out skin. Now she feels liberated, as though she is blossoming into her true self. She's happy and carefree, as she remembers feeling in the early years of her marriage. But who was stressed-out and depressed? Peggy. Who regularly lashed out at her husband and kids? Peggy. Who broke up their unhappy home? Peggy. Some other person did not take possession of Peggy's body. She really was, and is, that person.
2. Circumstances control our lives; we are just victims. Those "worst years" could have been the best years, had Peggy responded with patience, trust or love to the trials she faced. Her three daughters could be filled with admiration at what their mother endured and gratitude for an intact, happy home despite their troubles. My own parents had many ups and downs in their 38-year marriage, but at my mother's funeral, I cried with joy that we had walked the cancer journey together as a whole family.
3. Things couldn't have been any different. Things could have been different. When her husband turned out to be a jerk, as all men are occasionally, Peggy could have remembered why she married him in the first place and patiently waited for things to get better. She could have restrained her tongue at home as she does at work. She could have sought counseling with a willingness to change herself instead of a preconceived determination that her husband or the circumstances were at fault. She could have surrounded herself with people who believed, "Murder, maybe; divorce, never." She could have recognized her own complicity in the problems and extended grace to her husband and daughters.
This whole post depressed me because Peggy continues to see herself as a victim and therefore doesn't see any need to change her own attitudes. Does she really believe that now that her husband is out of her home, no trials will ever arise? Or that she will somehow respond with grace and joy to future difficulties, when she has a completely different pattern firmly entrenched in her psyche?
I am no better than Peggy. I have the same negative reactions, the same self-righteous bitterness, the same tendency to blame others and lash out at them. What will my children remember? I pray they will remember that Jesus Christ forgives and renews me and them. I pray they will remember that the Holy Spirit "calls, gathers, enlightens, and sanctifies" us. I pray they will remember my humble moments. And I pray they will remember that two jerks can live together in peace and love through God's power.
This troubled me, but I had to think about it quite a while before I realized why. The lies Peggy believes are so thick that it's hard to untangle them and evaluate them one at a time.
1. I'm not me some of the time. This friend and her husband dealt with some very difficult circumstances. Unfortunately, Peggy responded with anger, bitterness, blame (in her words, "stress" and "depression") and ultimately, the decision to shed her husband like a snake sheds its old, worn-out skin. Now she feels liberated, as though she is blossoming into her true self. She's happy and carefree, as she remembers feeling in the early years of her marriage. But who was stressed-out and depressed? Peggy. Who regularly lashed out at her husband and kids? Peggy. Who broke up their unhappy home? Peggy. Some other person did not take possession of Peggy's body. She really was, and is, that person.
2. Circumstances control our lives; we are just victims. Those "worst years" could have been the best years, had Peggy responded with patience, trust or love to the trials she faced. Her three daughters could be filled with admiration at what their mother endured and gratitude for an intact, happy home despite their troubles. My own parents had many ups and downs in their 38-year marriage, but at my mother's funeral, I cried with joy that we had walked the cancer journey together as a whole family.
3. Things couldn't have been any different. Things could have been different. When her husband turned out to be a jerk, as all men are occasionally, Peggy could have remembered why she married him in the first place and patiently waited for things to get better. She could have restrained her tongue at home as she does at work. She could have sought counseling with a willingness to change herself instead of a preconceived determination that her husband or the circumstances were at fault. She could have surrounded herself with people who believed, "Murder, maybe; divorce, never." She could have recognized her own complicity in the problems and extended grace to her husband and daughters.
This whole post depressed me because Peggy continues to see herself as a victim and therefore doesn't see any need to change her own attitudes. Does she really believe that now that her husband is out of her home, no trials will ever arise? Or that she will somehow respond with grace and joy to future difficulties, when she has a completely different pattern firmly entrenched in her psyche?
I am no better than Peggy. I have the same negative reactions, the same self-righteous bitterness, the same tendency to blame others and lash out at them. What will my children remember? I pray they will remember that Jesus Christ forgives and renews me and them. I pray they will remember that the Holy Spirit "calls, gathers, enlightens, and sanctifies" us. I pray they will remember my humble moments. And I pray they will remember that two jerks can live together in peace and love through God's power.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
More Thoughts on Unity
Last week I heard about a charitable foundation which had been transferred to the second generation - the grandfather had started the foundation, and now the father was in charge. Recently there was a request for a sizable donation from an organization the foundation had never given to before, and the father called his children before he said yes. He believed it was a good cause and wanted to give, and he had the perfect right to do so unilaterally, but he wanted unity in the decision. It was easy, because the children all agreed right away, but I found it interesting that he asked.
Another example of seeking unity that came to my mind was "John" and "Bill" (not their real names), business partners that I know. They have been working together for over 40 years, and John likes to brag, "We've never had to vote the stock," by which he means they have always come to agreement over the major decisions they've had to make. Each of these men jokes about the times when the other exercised veto power over an idea - Bill says, "John said it could be anywhere in the US as long as it was within 30 miles of home." Or John says, "I just do whatever Bill says." No doubt they have made a poor decision or two, or missed out on a great opportunity or two, because of that policy, but I have no doubt that in the long run, their business is much stronger. Not to mention the awesome example of partnership they present, to the point that the next generation believes working together is not only possible, but preferable, for many years to come. John and Bill have run their business more like a marriage, or a church, than the typical American business. Unfortunately, of course, most American marriages and churches are run more like businesses - "my way or the highway."
We expect that once Michelle is married, she will seek and find unity with her husband no matter what she has to give up, including family, country or all her dreams and goals. None of us knows the future. All the more reason to pursue and insist on unity on that most major of all decisions - who to marry.
Another example of seeking unity that came to my mind was "John" and "Bill" (not their real names), business partners that I know. They have been working together for over 40 years, and John likes to brag, "We've never had to vote the stock," by which he means they have always come to agreement over the major decisions they've had to make. Each of these men jokes about the times when the other exercised veto power over an idea - Bill says, "John said it could be anywhere in the US as long as it was within 30 miles of home." Or John says, "I just do whatever Bill says." No doubt they have made a poor decision or two, or missed out on a great opportunity or two, because of that policy, but I have no doubt that in the long run, their business is much stronger. Not to mention the awesome example of partnership they present, to the point that the next generation believes working together is not only possible, but preferable, for many years to come. John and Bill have run their business more like a marriage, or a church, than the typical American business. Unfortunately, of course, most American marriages and churches are run more like businesses - "my way or the highway."
We expect that once Michelle is married, she will seek and find unity with her husband no matter what she has to give up, including family, country or all her dreams and goals. None of us knows the future. All the more reason to pursue and insist on unity on that most major of all decisions - who to marry.
Monday, May 30, 2011
A Prayer for Unity
Our daughter, Michelle, and her friend, Saúl, think that God might be calling them to marriage, even though he is from Puebla, near Mexico City - an $800, 7-8-hour flight, a different culture, a different country requiring passports and visas to visit, a different primary language. There are many circumstances - both have studied and spoken the other's language extensively, both love Jesus and want others to know Him, both feel the other's strengths complement theirs - that make them believe this way. Pete, on the other hand, believes that it is unwise to minimize the support of a big, strong, Christian, loving family - which each of them has - unless there is a clear sign from God showing that He wants this - a sign we haven't received, or at least haven't recognized.
I'm ambivalent and can see each point of view, but am sure that to marry without your believing father's wholehearted blessing is a dangerous move. Saúl's parents are sad to think of him possibly leaving the country, but believe that as he is in prayer, the Lord will direct him and they will support whatever decision he makes.
Last weekend the four of us - Pete & I, Michelle & Saúl - had a two-hour meeting and concluded with a commitment to pray daily for unity, and not to make a Plan B. We are stepping out in faith, believing that the God who parted the Red Sea and "holds the heart of the king in His hand" will not find it too difficult to change the minds of one or more of His children who are sincerely seeking His will, and bring us all to complete agreement as to the best course of action. We also brainstormed a number of "next action" options, and will pray about them, remaining open to an opportunity the Lord brings that we haven't thought of.
So far, so good. What is surprising me is the almost-universal reaction - deep skepticism - from strong believers in (presumably) a faithful God active in this world through His Holy Spirit. Until today, when my good friend Maggie affirmed that "this is a bold, risky step of faith - but that's what steps of faith ARE," the most common question was, "What if it takes a long time?" Others told Michelle, "Unity doesn't mean uniformity with your parents," and still others told Pete, "You've got to put your foot down."
I'm convinced that when Paul pleaded with "Euodia and Syntyche to agree in the Lord" (Phil. 4:2), he wasn't hoping they would agree to disagree. And I'm quite sure that when our Lord Jesus prayed "that they may be one" in John 15, he didn't have in mind the kind of "nonconformity" we have in the Church today. I'm thanking God for giving us the faith to proceed thus far, trusting that He will bring us to real unity, planning to testify to His faithfulness after that, and hoping to find more folks who will come alongside us, believe and pray with us to that end.
P.S. Tonight at prayer meeting our pastor was very encouraging, and another pray-er was awed by the commitment to unity of the young adults in this situation.
I'm ambivalent and can see each point of view, but am sure that to marry without your believing father's wholehearted blessing is a dangerous move. Saúl's parents are sad to think of him possibly leaving the country, but believe that as he is in prayer, the Lord will direct him and they will support whatever decision he makes.
Last weekend the four of us - Pete & I, Michelle & Saúl - had a two-hour meeting and concluded with a commitment to pray daily for unity, and not to make a Plan B. We are stepping out in faith, believing that the God who parted the Red Sea and "holds the heart of the king in His hand" will not find it too difficult to change the minds of one or more of His children who are sincerely seeking His will, and bring us all to complete agreement as to the best course of action. We also brainstormed a number of "next action" options, and will pray about them, remaining open to an opportunity the Lord brings that we haven't thought of.
So far, so good. What is surprising me is the almost-universal reaction - deep skepticism - from strong believers in (presumably) a faithful God active in this world through His Holy Spirit. Until today, when my good friend Maggie affirmed that "this is a bold, risky step of faith - but that's what steps of faith ARE," the most common question was, "What if it takes a long time?" Others told Michelle, "Unity doesn't mean uniformity with your parents," and still others told Pete, "You've got to put your foot down."
I'm convinced that when Paul pleaded with "Euodia and Syntyche to agree in the Lord" (Phil. 4:2), he wasn't hoping they would agree to disagree. And I'm quite sure that when our Lord Jesus prayed "that they may be one" in John 15, he didn't have in mind the kind of "nonconformity" we have in the Church today. I'm thanking God for giving us the faith to proceed thus far, trusting that He will bring us to real unity, planning to testify to His faithfulness after that, and hoping to find more folks who will come alongside us, believe and pray with us to that end.
P.S. Tonight at prayer meeting our pastor was very encouraging, and another pray-er was awed by the commitment to unity of the young adults in this situation.
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