On Saturday we drove to Sioux Falls and back to see daughter-in-law Callie in her senior voice recital. She sang beautifully: even better than last year, which is saying something. I helped her mom serve trifles at a reception afterwards, and basked in reflected glory as "David's mom," because David had the same voice teacher. It struck me that this grown-up kid thing is going to be really fun. To enjoy their successes in a special way, while no longer having to correct every mistake or fix every failure, will be the best of both worlds.
We have a friend who claims that her mother-in-law caused her divorce. When Cheryl married Glen, over forty years ago, Glen's mom Eunice was thrilled. Thereafter, not so much. When Glen and Cheryl wanted to move to Iowa, Eunice was afraid it might not be best. When Glen decided against going to seminary, Eunice "just didn't have a peace about it." From parenting decisions to decorating schemes, Eunice always had an opinion about "God's will," and rarely agreed with the unhappy couple. Because of Eunice's spiritual confidence, Glen had a hard time setting boundaries or ignoring her advice. Plus, she was his mother!
Our challenge, then, is to release our married children to their spouses, realizing that this is a new family accountable to God alone in Christ. We can and will pray for them more urgently than for others, and if they are wise, they'll ask for our prayers and our advice. We're thankful for our own parents, who have set a good example in this area. The other key is to remember that the Lord loves them more than we do, and has an entire Body of people He can use to help them grow in Him. If it is to be, it is NOT necessarily up to me!
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Monday, February 25, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Bad Days
I'm tense and crabby today. It might actually be PMS, which I've never had before. I snapped at the kids for leaving house chores undone or not doing them well, resented Pete for making reasonable demands upon me, napped for over an hour and am just as tired after getting up. I have a few abdominal cramps, but mostly feel lethargic, unmotivated and irritable - although, of course, I was fine at the church, hosting a bridal shower this morning. No crabbiness then! I criticize the kids for acting politely and kindly to others, but rudely to us. Wonder where they get it? Not a good day.
We're dealing with an abundance of bad news around us. A friend's father just found out he has pancreatic cancer; we've never known anyone personally with this disease, but now know two who will, barring a miracle, leave this earth this year. The other friend with pancreatic cancer had her second CT scan, revealing that her liver tumors have tripled in size and making chemotherapy irrelevant. Another friend got a DWI and lost his job because the court process disclosed that he is, in fact, an illegal alien. Of course he got himself into this mess, and certainly it's probably for the best that he get home to his family he hasn't seen for ten years, but we still love him and hate to see him suffer. A fellow home school mom died of breast cancer a few weeks ago, leaving nine children, including two in high school. Two couples who belong to our church are probably divorcing - and apparently the two breakups are connected. I sang at a funeral the other day; the family is so dysfunctional that a day with no blowups was considered a success.
Of course there are some bright spots; one couple who has been having marriage troubles is doing better, another who's been living together is getting married, and a good friend's daughter stopped taking anti-depressants because of her pregnancy and is doing fine.
I suppose we should be grateful that for over fifty years, our lives and those of our friends and relatives have been so relatively smooth. Many people have trouble and trauma all around them every day of their lives. But it's hard to take a seemingly sudden change. Our hearts hurt for many, and especially some who don't seem to know the Lord very well. I can't imagine trying to deal with crushing blows without the hope of eternity and a day with "no more tears." I've been convicted of my need to spend more time in prayer, both to plead for our friends and to reset my perspective. Truly this life is but a vapor, and the trials we face are not worth comparing with the glory we shall see. Now can I remember that when the chores are left undone?
We're dealing with an abundance of bad news around us. A friend's father just found out he has pancreatic cancer; we've never known anyone personally with this disease, but now know two who will, barring a miracle, leave this earth this year. The other friend with pancreatic cancer had her second CT scan, revealing that her liver tumors have tripled in size and making chemotherapy irrelevant. Another friend got a DWI and lost his job because the court process disclosed that he is, in fact, an illegal alien. Of course he got himself into this mess, and certainly it's probably for the best that he get home to his family he hasn't seen for ten years, but we still love him and hate to see him suffer. A fellow home school mom died of breast cancer a few weeks ago, leaving nine children, including two in high school. Two couples who belong to our church are probably divorcing - and apparently the two breakups are connected. I sang at a funeral the other day; the family is so dysfunctional that a day with no blowups was considered a success.
Of course there are some bright spots; one couple who has been having marriage troubles is doing better, another who's been living together is getting married, and a good friend's daughter stopped taking anti-depressants because of her pregnancy and is doing fine.
I suppose we should be grateful that for over fifty years, our lives and those of our friends and relatives have been so relatively smooth. Many people have trouble and trauma all around them every day of their lives. But it's hard to take a seemingly sudden change. Our hearts hurt for many, and especially some who don't seem to know the Lord very well. I can't imagine trying to deal with crushing blows without the hope of eternity and a day with "no more tears." I've been convicted of my need to spend more time in prayer, both to plead for our friends and to reset my perspective. Truly this life is but a vapor, and the trials we face are not worth comparing with the glory we shall see. Now can I remember that when the chores are left undone?
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Lies We Believe
A recently-divorced friend (call her Peggy, since I have no friends by that name) posted on Facebook, "I read that my kids will remember my attitude more than the things I tried to teach them. It made me cry, because my kids had me during the worst years of my life, when I was a stressed-out, depressed person. That's not who I really am. I'm sorry, kids - I wish it could have been different."
This troubled me, but I had to think about it quite a while before I realized why. The lies Peggy believes are so thick that it's hard to untangle them and evaluate them one at a time.
1. I'm not me some of the time. This friend and her husband dealt with some very difficult circumstances. Unfortunately, Peggy responded with anger, bitterness, blame (in her words, "stress" and "depression") and ultimately, the decision to shed her husband like a snake sheds its old, worn-out skin. Now she feels liberated, as though she is blossoming into her true self. She's happy and carefree, as she remembers feeling in the early years of her marriage. But who was stressed-out and depressed? Peggy. Who regularly lashed out at her husband and kids? Peggy. Who broke up their unhappy home? Peggy. Some other person did not take possession of Peggy's body. She really was, and is, that person.
2. Circumstances control our lives; we are just victims. Those "worst years" could have been the best years, had Peggy responded with patience, trust or love to the trials she faced. Her three daughters could be filled with admiration at what their mother endured and gratitude for an intact, happy home despite their troubles. My own parents had many ups and downs in their 38-year marriage, but at my mother's funeral, I cried with joy that we had walked the cancer journey together as a whole family.
3. Things couldn't have been any different. Things could have been different. When her husband turned out to be a jerk, as all men are occasionally, Peggy could have remembered why she married him in the first place and patiently waited for things to get better. She could have restrained her tongue at home as she does at work. She could have sought counseling with a willingness to change herself instead of a preconceived determination that her husband or the circumstances were at fault. She could have surrounded herself with people who believed, "Murder, maybe; divorce, never." She could have recognized her own complicity in the problems and extended grace to her husband and daughters.
This whole post depressed me because Peggy continues to see herself as a victim and therefore doesn't see any need to change her own attitudes. Does she really believe that now that her husband is out of her home, no trials will ever arise? Or that she will somehow respond with grace and joy to future difficulties, when she has a completely different pattern firmly entrenched in her psyche?
I am no better than Peggy. I have the same negative reactions, the same self-righteous bitterness, the same tendency to blame others and lash out at them. What will my children remember? I pray they will remember that Jesus Christ forgives and renews me and them. I pray they will remember that the Holy Spirit "calls, gathers, enlightens, and sanctifies" us. I pray they will remember my humble moments. And I pray they will remember that two jerks can live together in peace and love through God's power.
This troubled me, but I had to think about it quite a while before I realized why. The lies Peggy believes are so thick that it's hard to untangle them and evaluate them one at a time.
1. I'm not me some of the time. This friend and her husband dealt with some very difficult circumstances. Unfortunately, Peggy responded with anger, bitterness, blame (in her words, "stress" and "depression") and ultimately, the decision to shed her husband like a snake sheds its old, worn-out skin. Now she feels liberated, as though she is blossoming into her true self. She's happy and carefree, as she remembers feeling in the early years of her marriage. But who was stressed-out and depressed? Peggy. Who regularly lashed out at her husband and kids? Peggy. Who broke up their unhappy home? Peggy. Some other person did not take possession of Peggy's body. She really was, and is, that person.
2. Circumstances control our lives; we are just victims. Those "worst years" could have been the best years, had Peggy responded with patience, trust or love to the trials she faced. Her three daughters could be filled with admiration at what their mother endured and gratitude for an intact, happy home despite their troubles. My own parents had many ups and downs in their 38-year marriage, but at my mother's funeral, I cried with joy that we had walked the cancer journey together as a whole family.
3. Things couldn't have been any different. Things could have been different. When her husband turned out to be a jerk, as all men are occasionally, Peggy could have remembered why she married him in the first place and patiently waited for things to get better. She could have restrained her tongue at home as she does at work. She could have sought counseling with a willingness to change herself instead of a preconceived determination that her husband or the circumstances were at fault. She could have surrounded herself with people who believed, "Murder, maybe; divorce, never." She could have recognized her own complicity in the problems and extended grace to her husband and daughters.
This whole post depressed me because Peggy continues to see herself as a victim and therefore doesn't see any need to change her own attitudes. Does she really believe that now that her husband is out of her home, no trials will ever arise? Or that she will somehow respond with grace and joy to future difficulties, when she has a completely different pattern firmly entrenched in her psyche?
I am no better than Peggy. I have the same negative reactions, the same self-righteous bitterness, the same tendency to blame others and lash out at them. What will my children remember? I pray they will remember that Jesus Christ forgives and renews me and them. I pray they will remember that the Holy Spirit "calls, gathers, enlightens, and sanctifies" us. I pray they will remember my humble moments. And I pray they will remember that two jerks can live together in peace and love through God's power.
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